I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
