He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
