What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
