new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
