I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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