when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
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