Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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