you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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