the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
