woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
