Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
