it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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