I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
