I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
