i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
