I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
