Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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