theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
