If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
