I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
