tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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