bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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