I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
