Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
