I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
