My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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