My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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