Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
