i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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