Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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