i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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