Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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