Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
