I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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