12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
