in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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