she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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