he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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