I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Randomize
