Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
