A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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