3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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