I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
