Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
and she was petting her beer can
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
