when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
What a dumb baby whore.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
