Where are you?
In a non slutty way
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize