I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
