I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize