she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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