Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i've created a new STD.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
