Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
