i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
