how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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