I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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