fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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