so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
